Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Happy Valentines Day and St. Patricks Day!
So, pretty much if there was ever a bigger slacker or procrastinator in the last year other than me, I would love to meet him/her. It's now March. March 2013..., which means I missed the whole "New Years Resolution" movement, and so on. And no, I did not send Christmas letter this last year...or even for 2011. I have yet again, whirled through another year without looking back. Not only that, but I am a year older and crankier, and I have to spend a lot more time and money trying to look NOT old and crankier. I seem to have mastered the art of justifying anything by saying ''I'm just so busy" "I'll catch up soon" We'll slow down next month" or "YOLO" (my kids favorite saying these days of You Only Live Once). Seems I've taken this YOLO credo straight to the heart. A couple of years ago, I decided to stop being a YES person, and become a NO (or MAYBE) person.(see Christmas 2009 letter) Meaning. I am no longer ALL about pleasing others and what they want/expect from me, but I am going to get in touch with the deepest needs an desires in my own heart. No more Team Mom, Class Mom, or Tuesday night Jewelry party or Baby Shower attendee. So, I've sort of spent the last year or so being footloose and fancy free...and well, let's just admit it, selfish on the social front.(I think they actually call this "Real Housewives Syndrome")
I had big plans for these deep desires and new convictions, and I was convinced they would be monumental.. and change my overall feeling of discontentment with the choices I had been making. But a funny thing happened along the way... The more I said NO the more I wanted to say YES. I think they forget to tell you when you are an only child, that we also harbor massive amounts of guilt.. pretty much for every decision we make. Naturally, this is because we are born so perfect, that every step forward is actually 5 steps back, even if it takes us this long to realize it. Really, it comes down to the fact that every day I've been trying to figure out where I can take that step that will REALLY be forward and not send me back. I've immersed myself in my children's lives, a new sport, a new outlook on my career...and for some reason I keep ending up back at the beginning of my journey. My heart not full enough to move on... my brain and body too bored to even keep up. How did I get to this point?! Easy. Kids.
(what I deal with on a pretty regular basis...)
I'm not blaming them, because I literally gave up most of my adult life to make them the best people I could to contribute to this human race, and they've filled my heart with a love I never thought was possible. BUT on the flip side.. I've gone brain dead. In my mind I've done an above adequate job molding these little people into super cool big people, and I'm really proud. I'm also really really honored to be their friend and trusted cool mom. ("If mom didn't wear her ring, dad, someone else would ask her out on a date!") And finding the amazing reasons I'm so in love with my marriage and husband. But there is always that little voice that is screaming at me... "Hey you! Move on! Get your own life!" I know I'm not the only mom out there wasting her degree, talents and left over fancy resume. Fact is... they move on, and we don't.
In October, my babies turned 12 years old. That's like teenager to me, and I also know what I did when I was 12 years old. Yikes. (I also can't use, "I just had twins" anymore) My oldest is now well into year 15...and ready to be sitting behind a steering wheel now. (Seriously new meaning to "Living on a Prayer") My most fulfilling and important job is now sort of only needing me on a part time basis. Granted, the job description is changing, it's shoving me into a different direction, pointing toward a vast deep dark black hole that I'm not sure has a safety net. Families evolve, friendships change, relationships end, and in the end, it's just you, yourself and you. Well, and God, Buddah, or Yoga, or maybe just Ice Cream and Chardonnay. So, I'm not really sure of my point. Or how to start on end this journey/discovery. All I know is that I'm looking for a way that I can make my kids, my husband, my family, my friends... and most of all, myself proud. So, once again, I will start (continue!) another year saying that this year I will figure it out. But this year, I will figure it out. Really.
